You can say the Devil is Trying to Keep his Day JOB

It's been a while since I've kept up with my BLOG (shame on me). I've been thinking a lot lately, which is my usual thing. This a baby picture of Fredie, he was born, April 28, 1981. My older brother passed, October 4, 2008, it's not really registering in me that I won't hear nor see him any longer. See there was a distance put between us before I was even born, all because of selfishness. I love my brother with all my heart. There isn't anything that I wouldn't have done for him, given the opportunity.

I'm still not positive for his exact reason, but it's done. I'm trying my hardest not to hate his mother and family. From my understanding, he was depressed, hurt, and crying out for help. Damn, why didn't they listen to him? My heart is ripped apart and I just want it out of me. The details, I can't comprehend. My thoughts, I don't want to deal with.

Why do people blame me for their greed? He had no religion for his funeral, what type of shit is that? This whole senario makes me sick to my stomach. I just can't take it, to have seen him inside the coffin. I wanted him to wake up.

All I want to do is crawl in my bed, and sleep.

I just want to see him again, smiling. We looked alike so much. I love you. A piece of me died with you Fredie Joshua Bonilla, Jr.

The devil is trying to keep his job. Trying to keep the hate, anger, and fustration inside me. But only prayer will get me through. So pray for me hard.

What is to Come?

I had a predicament put in front of me this week. Well, it's not really a predicament to anyone else, but to me it is. I have come to think about where I want to be in life, and is it doable at this point. Where I want to be? In my own place, no strings attached. Depending on myself with out the headaches that people are giving me. I guess this kind of goes along with my previous blog, "What I deserve."
I have been doing a lot research of what's available for apartments. Also, what can I afford with my budget. I'm thinking Chicago may not be the place for me. I'm starting to discover a few other places such as South Carolina, maybe even Georgia. But where do I begin to come up with the solution? Prayer. I've been praying a lot lately. Praying for myself, my daughter and my predicament.
The time is approaching quickly, say about december. Right after this semester's conclusion. If I leave, how will my daughter take it? If I stay, where will I live?

What's to come????

What I Deserve...

I remember when I was a young girl my fathers, both biological and step father, repeatedly would say, "You deserve the world!" I wish I had the mentality of an older woman that way I would be able to return with a question, "Would it be all the good? or the bad?" Something of that Nature.

A lot of women, including myself, probably never thought about what they deserve. For obvious reasons, KARMA has her own doings. Although the things, normally the bad experiences, we blame KARMA, or reference it. But as I sit and think about what I really deserve, there are various aspects that I come across. For example, what I deserve in my: everyday life, love, children, parenting, and overall.

My worth: worth more than words. Although we as women settle for less. Which now comes to what I deserve..

Deserve: more than I accept. Now why is that?



Why do we as women accept whatever comes our way? We are naturally accepting of things, damn us! Ultimately, in the end we are the ones who suffer. Do we not love ourselves enough to say, "Fuck that, if you think I'm going to settle for less!"



I sometimes see myself settling for less, and then I'm reminded by the outcome. Damn I did it again, why did I let that happen?



What do I deserve? It comes back down to what I think I deserve...... The world! Mostly good and some bad. now why some of the bad you ask? To keep focused on the good and accepting more of the good.....



I deserve: respect, loyalty, consistency, LOVE, compliments, acknowledgement, acceptance, abundance.......

Intermission is in Recession

Everything is out, and so much misunderstanding with the situation was all that it was. THANK GOD! I couldn't stand the feeling of not knowing the real reason behind the fustration. Especially since my fustration was a whole different senario from his. Im a woman and I have done things that I couldn't account for, let alone know the explanation. I have come to the conclusion that if and when it's time to move on, I will do it knowing that an explanation isn't needed. "what's understood doesn't need to be explained". I guess grasping this concept is confusing at times, but when I'm in total solitude, it's makes a lot of sense.
I've been asking myself questions lately. One of which, What am I looking for? What do I need? What do I want? What I want, Hmmm, Consistency, Love, Security. What I need? Consistency, Love and Security. What I want, simply comes down to Security, Love, and then Consistency.
Everytime I think of these questions and answers to those, I always come back to when was I the happiest and most content with myself? I think I need to resume giving my life to GOD. Yes, I believe in him. I wouldn't be where I am in my life if it weren't for him. But have I been consistent with his purpose? I can honestly say No! So how can I want, need, and know what I'm looking for? Am I being selfish, neglectant, ignorant, arrogant? What I need to do is get back in tune with GOD, and live with him as my #1.

The Beginning of the Intermission

Never thought it could turn so fast. It's like everything is good, and then you slam on your brakes and screech to a screaming halt. I'm sitting here like, WTF?!? Just from asking a simple question and never getting a response. That person seems suspect to me. Things aren't adding up on an issue. At least it's an issue in my book.
Why does it always have to do with another girl? Or could I be taking something too far, over exaggerating it?
Is it that simple for you to be done? Recognize that you aren't my baby daddy and then come talk to you?
Looking for an explaination as to why? Never receiving an answer. I asked a simple question and all hell breaks loose! So, is the question that I'd asked not that simple? All I asked was, who is she? and you said you were going to delete your page, but delete me only? Why is that?
Embarrased? Hiding something from someone? This to me seems to be the case. It's too suspect for me. A friend of his mentioned something to him about my page and then I get deleted. Wow. All I can say is, You never really gave a shit because if you did the answer would've came out easily. And no there isn't nothing to think about. Since there wasn't a answer, only silence, it says it all. I can only go by what I know and if there isn't any intervening from him, what am I to think?

Searching....

Waiting for an Answer!

I have been stressing hard trying to figure out how I was going to pay for my books for this fall semester. Well, stressing hard? How about praying hard. That sounds much more better. Lateley I have been feeling pretty well about life. I had been trying to save as much money as I possibly could for the past couple of months, and then Boom! It hit me, I didn't have a way to pay for school. At least up front, which they never tell you. I ended up using my all of my savings to do so. Now that really bummed me out. Upset, anguished, distraught, the whole nine. But after a little while, I thought to myself, "Damn, I guess there was a specific reason for my saving money." I felt a little at ease, until it dawned on me "How the hell am I going to pay for my books!" Damned it, another damn obstacle in my Fucking way. So again, after all the cursing and stress, I calmed down. If there is a will there's a way. If GOD wanted me to continue my education to become the person or accomplish what he wanted me to, then he'll make the way.
Later I applied for a grant, and the school (stupid people) slacked on getting them the paper on time to meet the deadline. More fustration, and this time I expressed them, which turned out to be a good thing because it got things done.
Moreover, everything was turned in by the Aug 1. Thank God. Now the waiting! In the back of my mind I thought to myself, this can only be a good thing if they give me partial payment for the tuition. Whatever I can get.
Then, Bam! Right in my face, I get my acceptance letter! I was awarded the grant for more than I though I was going to get initially. Thank GOD!


He is who I praise! Through HIM all things are Possible!

GOING TOO FAST

What a summer this has been! It's going alright, before you know it's gone and then it's time for fall. I don't even want to hear or think about the fall season right now. My summer has been the most busiest by far. There has things to do almost every weekend. I most definitely needed to get away, and that I did. I Escaped! It took me 2 1/2 hours to do so, but I did. I ended up leaving to Peoria this past weekend, and I enjoyed it. I got a chance to actually read a book, something I hadn't done in quite some time. I love to read, I used to read often and to be able to sit down and relax, felt really good. I couldn't feel better. I had the people who I most adore by my side, Mia and Chris.
While I was reading, they were playing games. We went swimming, well Mia and I was swimming, he was just there. Watching us swim around, I kept seeing him smile. He even cooked for us, awww. That was surprising, and it wasn't chicken nuggets and fries! LOL... The time just passed.
It went so fast that by the time I noticed, it was time for us to come back home, everyday life, hustle and bustle, Damn. Once we made it home, all I wanted to do was go back.
Being there with him, just made everything right. It made sense. But now it's time again, time to get moving. Is this going to fast???? The year is half done, or is it half over???? It's going too fast!