Hey.....

Just a little updating on my current situation. I have found an apartment, Thank you Jesus. I've found a way to get my first month's rent within a week, again Thank You Jesus. Also, I've let a person flee my life. So, yes SINGLE!!! Hey!!!!!! Things right now are going very well... and I'm so grateful for all of my family for their prayers (yes, your family ANGEL!) :) Things are starting to turn a little greener, even with the cold weather. LOL.......

Is that write?

Over the past couple of weeks, I've been pondering some things. Is it worth me changing my entire scenario to succumb to such happiness? Is it really going to have the outcome of happiness?
This argument took place between my father and I. He is blaming me for his unfortunate ordeal (childsupport). Now is that fair? Now this is the real excuse that he told me. I'm pretty much in an awe state of mind. Although knowing decisions need to be made, it's becoming harder and harder as time passes quickly.
Now, I believe that changing my scenario (i.e. moving out of chicago) will subject me to some heart ache, which is expected. But also, soon there after, hapiness will be the next major outcome. On the other hand, is it really going to be hapiness? Not quite sure at this point. I'm thinking there is too much thinking going on. This can be a good/bad thing at times.
I want to ensure my daughters' happiness and security, at the same time I'm trying to cover my needs. Why does it have to be so hard??????

Can There Be Anything Else???

So far I've discovered that it's going to be a really hard road ahead. With trying to find an apartment and maintaining my sanity (only on the outside), I'm losing whim of reality. I've got less than a week to find a place and so far, I don't have a deposit and I'm fustrated. I'm hoping GOD opens up a door and shows me a light. I just don't know what I am going to do. Between school, work, Mia, and the passing of my brother, I haven't had time to sleep let alone relax. Lord knows, I really don't relax anyway. I think today I've slept most of the day, only because I was at my mother's. I've looked at more than a dozen apartments. They either want too much money for it, or I have to pay all the utilities. But in order for things to work, I need to find another school for my daughter. Although I am going to hate putting her in another school, it seems like the only choice I am left with.
All I can say is, "Is there anything else that can be thrown into this situation?"

You can say the Devil is Trying to Keep his Day JOB

It's been a while since I've kept up with my BLOG (shame on me). I've been thinking a lot lately, which is my usual thing. This a baby picture of Fredie, he was born, April 28, 1981. My older brother passed, October 4, 2008, it's not really registering in me that I won't hear nor see him any longer. See there was a distance put between us before I was even born, all because of selfishness. I love my brother with all my heart. There isn't anything that I wouldn't have done for him, given the opportunity.

I'm still not positive for his exact reason, but it's done. I'm trying my hardest not to hate his mother and family. From my understanding, he was depressed, hurt, and crying out for help. Damn, why didn't they listen to him? My heart is ripped apart and I just want it out of me. The details, I can't comprehend. My thoughts, I don't want to deal with.

Why do people blame me for their greed? He had no religion for his funeral, what type of shit is that? This whole senario makes me sick to my stomach. I just can't take it, to have seen him inside the coffin. I wanted him to wake up.

All I want to do is crawl in my bed, and sleep.

I just want to see him again, smiling. We looked alike so much. I love you. A piece of me died with you Fredie Joshua Bonilla, Jr.

The devil is trying to keep his job. Trying to keep the hate, anger, and fustration inside me. But only prayer will get me through. So pray for me hard.

What is to Come?

I had a predicament put in front of me this week. Well, it's not really a predicament to anyone else, but to me it is. I have come to think about where I want to be in life, and is it doable at this point. Where I want to be? In my own place, no strings attached. Depending on myself with out the headaches that people are giving me. I guess this kind of goes along with my previous blog, "What I deserve."
I have been doing a lot research of what's available for apartments. Also, what can I afford with my budget. I'm thinking Chicago may not be the place for me. I'm starting to discover a few other places such as South Carolina, maybe even Georgia. But where do I begin to come up with the solution? Prayer. I've been praying a lot lately. Praying for myself, my daughter and my predicament.
The time is approaching quickly, say about december. Right after this semester's conclusion. If I leave, how will my daughter take it? If I stay, where will I live?

What's to come????

What I Deserve...

I remember when I was a young girl my fathers, both biological and step father, repeatedly would say, "You deserve the world!" I wish I had the mentality of an older woman that way I would be able to return with a question, "Would it be all the good? or the bad?" Something of that Nature.

A lot of women, including myself, probably never thought about what they deserve. For obvious reasons, KARMA has her own doings. Although the things, normally the bad experiences, we blame KARMA, or reference it. But as I sit and think about what I really deserve, there are various aspects that I come across. For example, what I deserve in my: everyday life, love, children, parenting, and overall.

My worth: worth more than words. Although we as women settle for less. Which now comes to what I deserve..

Deserve: more than I accept. Now why is that?



Why do we as women accept whatever comes our way? We are naturally accepting of things, damn us! Ultimately, in the end we are the ones who suffer. Do we not love ourselves enough to say, "Fuck that, if you think I'm going to settle for less!"



I sometimes see myself settling for less, and then I'm reminded by the outcome. Damn I did it again, why did I let that happen?



What do I deserve? It comes back down to what I think I deserve...... The world! Mostly good and some bad. now why some of the bad you ask? To keep focused on the good and accepting more of the good.....



I deserve: respect, loyalty, consistency, LOVE, compliments, acknowledgement, acceptance, abundance.......

Intermission is in Recession

Everything is out, and so much misunderstanding with the situation was all that it was. THANK GOD! I couldn't stand the feeling of not knowing the real reason behind the fustration. Especially since my fustration was a whole different senario from his. Im a woman and I have done things that I couldn't account for, let alone know the explanation. I have come to the conclusion that if and when it's time to move on, I will do it knowing that an explanation isn't needed. "what's understood doesn't need to be explained". I guess grasping this concept is confusing at times, but when I'm in total solitude, it's makes a lot of sense.
I've been asking myself questions lately. One of which, What am I looking for? What do I need? What do I want? What I want, Hmmm, Consistency, Love, Security. What I need? Consistency, Love and Security. What I want, simply comes down to Security, Love, and then Consistency.
Everytime I think of these questions and answers to those, I always come back to when was I the happiest and most content with myself? I think I need to resume giving my life to GOD. Yes, I believe in him. I wouldn't be where I am in my life if it weren't for him. But have I been consistent with his purpose? I can honestly say No! So how can I want, need, and know what I'm looking for? Am I being selfish, neglectant, ignorant, arrogant? What I need to do is get back in tune with GOD, and live with him as my #1.

The Beginning of the Intermission

Never thought it could turn so fast. It's like everything is good, and then you slam on your brakes and screech to a screaming halt. I'm sitting here like, WTF?!? Just from asking a simple question and never getting a response. That person seems suspect to me. Things aren't adding up on an issue. At least it's an issue in my book.
Why does it always have to do with another girl? Or could I be taking something too far, over exaggerating it?
Is it that simple for you to be done? Recognize that you aren't my baby daddy and then come talk to you?
Looking for an explaination as to why? Never receiving an answer. I asked a simple question and all hell breaks loose! So, is the question that I'd asked not that simple? All I asked was, who is she? and you said you were going to delete your page, but delete me only? Why is that?
Embarrased? Hiding something from someone? This to me seems to be the case. It's too suspect for me. A friend of his mentioned something to him about my page and then I get deleted. Wow. All I can say is, You never really gave a shit because if you did the answer would've came out easily. And no there isn't nothing to think about. Since there wasn't a answer, only silence, it says it all. I can only go by what I know and if there isn't any intervening from him, what am I to think?

Searching....

Waiting for an Answer!

I have been stressing hard trying to figure out how I was going to pay for my books for this fall semester. Well, stressing hard? How about praying hard. That sounds much more better. Lateley I have been feeling pretty well about life. I had been trying to save as much money as I possibly could for the past couple of months, and then Boom! It hit me, I didn't have a way to pay for school. At least up front, which they never tell you. I ended up using my all of my savings to do so. Now that really bummed me out. Upset, anguished, distraught, the whole nine. But after a little while, I thought to myself, "Damn, I guess there was a specific reason for my saving money." I felt a little at ease, until it dawned on me "How the hell am I going to pay for my books!" Damned it, another damn obstacle in my Fucking way. So again, after all the cursing and stress, I calmed down. If there is a will there's a way. If GOD wanted me to continue my education to become the person or accomplish what he wanted me to, then he'll make the way.
Later I applied for a grant, and the school (stupid people) slacked on getting them the paper on time to meet the deadline. More fustration, and this time I expressed them, which turned out to be a good thing because it got things done.
Moreover, everything was turned in by the Aug 1. Thank God. Now the waiting! In the back of my mind I thought to myself, this can only be a good thing if they give me partial payment for the tuition. Whatever I can get.
Then, Bam! Right in my face, I get my acceptance letter! I was awarded the grant for more than I though I was going to get initially. Thank GOD!


He is who I praise! Through HIM all things are Possible!

GOING TOO FAST

What a summer this has been! It's going alright, before you know it's gone and then it's time for fall. I don't even want to hear or think about the fall season right now. My summer has been the most busiest by far. There has things to do almost every weekend. I most definitely needed to get away, and that I did. I Escaped! It took me 2 1/2 hours to do so, but I did. I ended up leaving to Peoria this past weekend, and I enjoyed it. I got a chance to actually read a book, something I hadn't done in quite some time. I love to read, I used to read often and to be able to sit down and relax, felt really good. I couldn't feel better. I had the people who I most adore by my side, Mia and Chris.
While I was reading, they were playing games. We went swimming, well Mia and I was swimming, he was just there. Watching us swim around, I kept seeing him smile. He even cooked for us, awww. That was surprising, and it wasn't chicken nuggets and fries! LOL... The time just passed.
It went so fast that by the time I noticed, it was time for us to come back home, everyday life, hustle and bustle, Damn. Once we made it home, all I wanted to do was go back.
Being there with him, just made everything right. It made sense. But now it's time again, time to get moving. Is this going to fast???? The year is half done, or is it half over???? It's going too fast!

BLISS

I haven't been able to sit at peace in a very long time. I have had enough bs men in my life and now I realize that they were supposed to be that way with me so I can appreciate the relationship that I'm in now. I feel like our closeness has another meaning than what I've experienced. From experience, I now notice the difference. There is something about him that keeps me interested. There has only been one other person whom kept my attention the way he does. I never thought that someone else would do more for me emotionally, mentally, and physically.
He reminded me that it's almost been a year since we've started dating. Yes, he reminded me. My heart and mind tells me he's a keeper. He's more of what I expect in a man, despite the minor issues I have. He's goal driven, has NO problem being a family man (which I love).
I thought since the transition, we wouldn't last. I figured I would've given up by now, with no hesitation. Let it have been the old me, long distant what?!? Yeah, right.

Bliss? Smitten? Adore? Care? Love?

I feel all of the above. The more time spent, the closer we get. How close do you get before you become one????

And No, I won't except a proposal on a holiday!!!!! I love him, but we need our own day!

I'm starting to remember the feelings I used to have when I was in love, years ago. Wow, how those feelings fade, and so easily they come back. I don't want to feel any different from the excitement I'm feeling now.

Can you say, "Ohhh Weeee!"

Anxious

Finally, I get to spend some time with him! Yah, me! And this time there shouldn't be anything to stop it, at least not now. So anxious right now, it's crazy. To be able to have the intimacy I've been wanting, ooohhh. Finally. I haven't seen him since the beginning of June. Let alone spent time with him, that probably was in April/May sometime. It's hard to keep a long distance relationship, it really is. Sometimes I think about us just going our own separate ways, but that would be too easy to do. I hadn't been in a real relationship since my daughters father. That was years ago. But to be able to begin to understand, being more mature to even handle a real relationship, has it hardship at times. Here's to the Butterflies, again!!!


If it's meant to be, it will be. Missing him like crazy!

To Respond or not to Respond???

I need to breathe a little with this short topic. About a year and some months ago my grand mother passed. I never really got a long with my cousins nor aunts and those people. So the day of my grandmothers burial, these people where all acting like we have been close for years on in, which we weren't. I think that my experiences in life have grown into a positive transition, it showed me the different choices that I was given. I made the choice to better myself and take care of mine. Now back to why I need an appropriate response. See this people waited until we buried my grandmother to act like chickens with their heads cut off. Acting like they have no sense whatsoever! So the whole thing was over a signature book. One that everyone signs to show that they came to support. I knew it was trouble when I over heard them talking about just taking it and not letting my mother have it. My mother is the baby out of her brothers and sisters. Ignorance rumbles loudly inside them, and my mother and I just hear the thunder coming. I had to embrace myself for what was lying ahead.
when I put the book in our car, my mothers sister started talking out of the side of her neck, saying I don't know who my childs' father is, I'm nothing but a whore and all this other stuff. So, I lashed out on her. She just continued on talking shit while sitting the parking lot. And yeah, I called her out, ready to beat the living shit out of her. And to no avail she only talked shit. I gave up and went inside of the funeral home.
I began to hear the others' start there shit with my mother. I became defensive. In my head all I can hear was, "stay calm, they aren't worth it." They kept on arguing with my mother, I just stood next to her, letting her know I'm here. If they feel froggy enough, I'm going to let the beast out. My mom just looked at me and asked me to give them the book. I said FUCK THAT! She said, just give it to them. This will be the last time that you will ever see them, if it takes them having it to stay out of our lives then so be it.
Now, everyone has one dumb ass cousin, who thinks that when she has a crowd of people to back her up she can whoop ass! I think not! So she thought it was ok to get in my face and threaten me with her words. I laughed and my mother, in between us, kept insisting she go to her mother before I whoop her ass. Calmly I kept telling her, go by your mother before you piss me off.
Again, now back to why I need an appropriate response; THis dumb bitch sends me a message letting me know she's not trying to cause any trouble. She wanted to know how we are doing?

Ha!

Karma

I never experienced how Karma worked. But wow, it is a something that is crazy. My father who's been in my whole life and not in my brothers' or sisters' lives. He finally got caught, in the child support system, was served a letter this past week indicating he indeed is the father of a 17 1/2 year old. I knew about her since she was born. I always wanted to be around her and my other siblings, but was never allowed to do so.
See, I know her family and so does my fathers' brothers, which would be her uncles. I have came to the conclusion that he is retarded. He is pretty upset at the whole issue and he's looking for someone to blame. Blame? He's grown. I don't understand how people can blame someone else for their mishaps. But I'm to blame. Isn't that some shit???

LonesomeNess.

Is that even a word? After 9 months of being together (in a relationship), that leaves 4 months of semi-loneliness... I've made about 3 trips down to him, he's made one. Can you even consider the last trip a real trip? I know it wasn't, I'd made a visit to the clinic while I was down there this last time, so that doesn't count at all. That would make it 2 trips down to see him. The last time I spent any type of closeness with him, was maybe April. And yes, I'm losing interest. I feel like I'm just here and we are holding on to a title, that really doesn't belong to us.
LonesomesNess...
It's overwhelming at times, but trying to keep my mind off of it is even harder. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm trying to get myself involved as much as I can, it isn't working. Just to go right back to thinking of only him and what's he doing. Our conversation is, just that, is.
LonesomeNess....
I'm tired of telling him, I miss you. And get nothing in return but I know. He's not expressive enough for me, and I try to except it. I need it. I need for him to tell me these things. He's tried, but then goes back to being inexpressive, yet again.

STUPIDITY

People talk about how it is so easy to get back in to school. Right now my nerves are on pins and needles with ignorant ass people. You would figure in order for these Dumb ass colleges to get paid they would hurry up and turn in paperwork to get paid, BUT NO! I am so irritated at this point. Now even if they turn in the paperwork, I will only get half of the fucking money that I needed to be paid. And where is the rest of the money going to come from??? All I can say is I'm getting ready to say FUCK THIS SHIT!!!!!

It didn't happen

So, he cancelled on me for the holiday weekend. Boy was I heated, I didn't bother talking to him until Sunday. He told me that something happened, but he didn't feel like talking about it. In my mind the first thing that came to mind was "BULLSHIT". My holiday weekend was alright, I spent it with my daughter and traveling to families homes. It was basically a weekend that I didn't want to be bothered. I felt like he wasted my time, killed it. I have been very stressed lately and all I wanted to do was get out. Chicago, a place I didn't want to see for a few days and I was there.
When I finally spoke with him, I was still upset and fury was in my voice, I let him here every part of the fury. Holding nothing back, I asked him if he was going to tell me the real reason why he cancelled. He not only cancelled on me but on a few other people as well. Then he laid it on me, a close friend of his was murdered. Murdered?? Ain't that some shit. He said that was his last straw and he couldn't take it anymore. And all I heard was the pain in his voice.
Then I thought, all this time of being selfish and wanting to be with him, I should've went. Alone. I didn't know that it was that bad for him. I told him that I did think it was bullshit, how he said put things to me. That he didn't want me to be down there with him. I really thought it was something else, maybe another woman. You know what can go through a persons' mind, especially mine. I feel bad now, but only for a little while. :)
Why would I think bad about this relationship, another woman? Wow... Has it really been that bad for me? When I say, "I trust him," do I really? Can I trust? That's the real question.

Starting Over

This is going to be the first time I see him after the whole clinic ordeal. How will I feel when I see his face? Will the tramatic experience play back again in my mind? My nightmares have minimized itself. I don't wake up screaming anymore, or questioning my decision, at least not all the time. It's like I'm anxious with butterflies in my stomach. You know that feeling when you go on your first date? Yeah, the feeling that's over whelming me at the moment.
It's like for these past weeks, all I wanted to do was be in his arms telling me things will get better. But the distance is what keeps us apart, damn do I dispise that. Again, how will I feel when I see him? Just scared of the unkown at the moment. This will be our starting over moment, when our paths cross tonight.

Does it seem like I'm wishing for the worst but wishing for the best? I think so. I think it would be much easier for me to deal with things if he wasn't here. But is that what I want????? Funny how things seem.

Wishing for the best.....

Ignorance.

Men often take for granted what our capabilities are. Sometimes I feel Women take Men for granted, although I don't understand this, they do. I've seen this just happen, a woman had a child about 17 1/2 years ago, knew who the father was, where he worked, lived, his family, and everything. She waited, waited, and waited, to make sure the security of her daughter was set? How could she not know how ignorant she is? Selfishness?
Now, how could he, knowing he wasn't in his daughters life, never knowing who she really is, not try to be there? Could the relationship between the two so-called grown ups cause turmoil for all involved? I mean the unknowing would've been destroyed, or maybe even gotten a chance to have grown up around the other. I just don't understand how one as a man, not be there for his child. Should I say, "The well-being of the child should at least be somewhat secured. Have both parents in the life." I beileve the child should be able to make that choice for themselves, and not have the choice made for them.

The child: 17 1/2 years old, pregnant, high school drop out. She lives in the ghetto with her family. If he would've been there, would her life be any different?

God I feel the pain that her child will endure living the life she will bring this child in. Do you blame her for the choices that she has made in her life? Somewhat a Tyrant. Does she deserve more than what was brought into her life? Talk about needing some type of reform! Damn, I can see where this is going. Why would she want this for herself? I know children are blessings, but what if GOD needs to allow her journey to go a little longer. Let her live life. Maybe this is her blessing, a kind of reform, change. I hope it is.

I feel for her, she says, "I can do this by myself. All I need is me and my mom, to help me take care of this baby. I can be on welfare and get SSI checks, and be alright."

Ignorance.

Torn?

Let me start off saying, "I want more than anything for my own happiness." But at what cost? I've came across quite a few different women, of different ethnic backgrounds, but many of them have different morals than me. I've be in this wierd kind of relationship with my daughters father. He's asked me several times to, pretty much, give up whatever relationship's that I have other than him, to be with him. I will put this out there, I have a boyfriend now who is good to me. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 9 months. Ok, now back to a brief history of my daughters' father and I. I began a relationship with him when I turned 15 years old. I thought he was the best thing I've had, but I was a baby. I'd hadn't experenced life yet, so what did I know. I did everything I'd knew for him, I never wanted to leave him. I thought I loved him so much. We had so many different problems, that you would've thought that I would leave him, I didn't. He cheated on me, I believe quite a few times, only two that I know of.

So now, he's been telling me so many different things about, "Baby, I love you with all my heart," and all those different types of Nigga lyrics. I know, I know, yes I said Nigga lyrics. SO knowing how long I've been with him, you can understand why I really am not feeling the bullshit he is trying to write in my story book. His family loves me to death, but what I'm noticing now is that they are looking out for his best interest and not mine.
His mother called upon me to discuss our (her father and I) child support problem, as she says it. See he's not working so I'm the one doing everything, to say the least he comes and goes whenever he feels like it, which I pretty much have control of now. I'm a single mother, in my eyes, I have been since day one. She wants me to sign a contract with her son indicating that I would dismiss his non-working ass, and wait until he gets a job to resume child support. Oh I broke it down for her the most easiest I could. No, she didn't like what I said, but hey I'm in it for mine and she's in it for hers. What I was thinking in my head was "WTF?!?!" The stuff that came out of her mouth is so indescribable. The last thing she said to me was, "I think you guys should get married already."
Married??? OH HELL NAW! You must be sick lady. Does she not know that if her son can't be a man on his own, he most definitely won't withhold that title being with me. What doesn't she get? His family is sweet when they want to be, but my happiness isn't worth making the rest of my life miserable.

The Oh-No's

I'd seen this on a blog:

I"M THE ONE TO BLAME!!!!
There's this guy i have been seeing for almost 3 years. its llike he loves me he loves me not!! We've been throw a great deal. This nigga took in and loves my daughter as his own. I RESPECT A PERSON THAT WILL STEP IN A BABIES LIFE EVEN IF THAT CHILD ISN'T THERE OWN. It shows alot as a person and as a man or woman. Well to me I know I LOVE THIS MAN. To him he really doesnt realize how much i do love him. But in all reality I"M THE ONE TO BLAME. I'm THE CUNT! BITCH! WHORE! SLUT! Yeah all of they above i'm the DEVIL! This MothaF&^%ER done so much to me i get BLAMED!!! He toke something so beautiful and made it a nightmare. BUT I"M TO BLAME!!! He took something personal that was not his to take BUT YET I'M TO BLAME!!! BUT THROW ALL THE HURT I STILL LOVE THIS MAN!!! BUT TO HIS FAMILY AND FRIENDS I DID WRONG. But only if they knew everything the whole story. YEAH!! the WHOLE STORY. They dont know what he has done to me MENTALLY, PHYSICALLY, EMONTIONALLY. They only know what I've done. It's really crazy. I KNOW I"M NOT PERFECT BUT WHO IS ANYBODY TO JUDGE. Especially someone who has been locked up most of his life. DOESNT KNOW HOW TO SHOW THE PEOPLE THAT LOVE HIM RESPECT. BUT NO I"M THE ONE TO BLAME!!! I'M THE ONE TO BLAME!!! When he feels things dont go right in his life. YEAH I"M A DUMB BITCH!!!! I still LOVE this MAN. BUT I'M THE ONE TO BLAME!!!

Can you guess what my response was???? Ok, Ok, here it is:

Ok, this response won't be as long as the last, I promise! (hee, hee, hee) Does it really matter that anyone else knows the whole story? If they blame you for things going wrong, or how he's showing them that you are the one to blame, FUCK THAT! To me hun, that's demeaning as woman! One thing that you need to look at is what it is that your daughter is witnessing. If she see's the arguements, the fights, and him lashing out at you. If you've said yeah to more that 2, then no it's not healthy. But then again, I can only respond to what you have written. It seems to me that he can disrespect you to make him feel good. (I guess!) If after 3 years, through all the DUMB BITCHES, WHORES, SLUTS and you still love this man, who do you love more???? Your daughter, yourself, or him????? Sorry sweetheart, you shouldn't have let yourself go through all that for this long. Love your daughter more and love yourself much!


Can anyone tell me why this woman, would submit herself to such a state of confusion? At first I thought, it wouldn't be me! But then rethinking things over and over again, it could've been me. I thank GOD every chance I get for the things he has blessed me with. Thinking... (again), If after 3 years, why hasn't this so-called man committed himself to her and her daughter? If after this long a person isn't sure whether or not you love them, them obviously "THEY DON'T! Oh, no... here I go...

This man doesn't love her, if he does why doesn't she know it? Why can't she feel it? She doesn't see it... and I don't hear it from her words.. Can't see it in her words. Lord help this girl... why has she let him over take her life??? Abusive mentally, physically, emotionally? I don't understand this, can't conprehend. Does she want to Love some boy? Or a real man? By all means, I know people make mistakes. I've made them, you've made, everyone has. But how can you stay with a mistake? From what she wrote, it seems like she is crying out for help! Ahhh!
But no one can hear her! Poor baby. I guess this is pretty much irritating me. I know that this type of relationship isn't right for her or her daughter, but who am I? Hope she can find it in herself to love herself more than just being THAT BITCH!