Hey.....

Just a little updating on my current situation. I have found an apartment, Thank you Jesus. I've found a way to get my first month's rent within a week, again Thank You Jesus. Also, I've let a person flee my life. So, yes SINGLE!!! Hey!!!!!! Things right now are going very well... and I'm so grateful for all of my family for their prayers (yes, your family ANGEL!) :) Things are starting to turn a little greener, even with the cold weather. LOL.......

Is that write?

Over the past couple of weeks, I've been pondering some things. Is it worth me changing my entire scenario to succumb to such happiness? Is it really going to have the outcome of happiness?
This argument took place between my father and I. He is blaming me for his unfortunate ordeal (childsupport). Now is that fair? Now this is the real excuse that he told me. I'm pretty much in an awe state of mind. Although knowing decisions need to be made, it's becoming harder and harder as time passes quickly.
Now, I believe that changing my scenario (i.e. moving out of chicago) will subject me to some heart ache, which is expected. But also, soon there after, hapiness will be the next major outcome. On the other hand, is it really going to be hapiness? Not quite sure at this point. I'm thinking there is too much thinking going on. This can be a good/bad thing at times.
I want to ensure my daughters' happiness and security, at the same time I'm trying to cover my needs. Why does it have to be so hard??????

Can There Be Anything Else???

So far I've discovered that it's going to be a really hard road ahead. With trying to find an apartment and maintaining my sanity (only on the outside), I'm losing whim of reality. I've got less than a week to find a place and so far, I don't have a deposit and I'm fustrated. I'm hoping GOD opens up a door and shows me a light. I just don't know what I am going to do. Between school, work, Mia, and the passing of my brother, I haven't had time to sleep let alone relax. Lord knows, I really don't relax anyway. I think today I've slept most of the day, only because I was at my mother's. I've looked at more than a dozen apartments. They either want too much money for it, or I have to pay all the utilities. But in order for things to work, I need to find another school for my daughter. Although I am going to hate putting her in another school, it seems like the only choice I am left with.
All I can say is, "Is there anything else that can be thrown into this situation?"

You can say the Devil is Trying to Keep his Day JOB

It's been a while since I've kept up with my BLOG (shame on me). I've been thinking a lot lately, which is my usual thing. This a baby picture of Fredie, he was born, April 28, 1981. My older brother passed, October 4, 2008, it's not really registering in me that I won't hear nor see him any longer. See there was a distance put between us before I was even born, all because of selfishness. I love my brother with all my heart. There isn't anything that I wouldn't have done for him, given the opportunity.

I'm still not positive for his exact reason, but it's done. I'm trying my hardest not to hate his mother and family. From my understanding, he was depressed, hurt, and crying out for help. Damn, why didn't they listen to him? My heart is ripped apart and I just want it out of me. The details, I can't comprehend. My thoughts, I don't want to deal with.

Why do people blame me for their greed? He had no religion for his funeral, what type of shit is that? This whole senario makes me sick to my stomach. I just can't take it, to have seen him inside the coffin. I wanted him to wake up.

All I want to do is crawl in my bed, and sleep.

I just want to see him again, smiling. We looked alike so much. I love you. A piece of me died with you Fredie Joshua Bonilla, Jr.

The devil is trying to keep his job. Trying to keep the hate, anger, and fustration inside me. But only prayer will get me through. So pray for me hard.

What is to Come?

I had a predicament put in front of me this week. Well, it's not really a predicament to anyone else, but to me it is. I have come to think about where I want to be in life, and is it doable at this point. Where I want to be? In my own place, no strings attached. Depending on myself with out the headaches that people are giving me. I guess this kind of goes along with my previous blog, "What I deserve."
I have been doing a lot research of what's available for apartments. Also, what can I afford with my budget. I'm thinking Chicago may not be the place for me. I'm starting to discover a few other places such as South Carolina, maybe even Georgia. But where do I begin to come up with the solution? Prayer. I've been praying a lot lately. Praying for myself, my daughter and my predicament.
The time is approaching quickly, say about december. Right after this semester's conclusion. If I leave, how will my daughter take it? If I stay, where will I live?

What's to come????

What I Deserve...

I remember when I was a young girl my fathers, both biological and step father, repeatedly would say, "You deserve the world!" I wish I had the mentality of an older woman that way I would be able to return with a question, "Would it be all the good? or the bad?" Something of that Nature.

A lot of women, including myself, probably never thought about what they deserve. For obvious reasons, KARMA has her own doings. Although the things, normally the bad experiences, we blame KARMA, or reference it. But as I sit and think about what I really deserve, there are various aspects that I come across. For example, what I deserve in my: everyday life, love, children, parenting, and overall.

My worth: worth more than words. Although we as women settle for less. Which now comes to what I deserve..

Deserve: more than I accept. Now why is that?



Why do we as women accept whatever comes our way? We are naturally accepting of things, damn us! Ultimately, in the end we are the ones who suffer. Do we not love ourselves enough to say, "Fuck that, if you think I'm going to settle for less!"



I sometimes see myself settling for less, and then I'm reminded by the outcome. Damn I did it again, why did I let that happen?



What do I deserve? It comes back down to what I think I deserve...... The world! Mostly good and some bad. now why some of the bad you ask? To keep focused on the good and accepting more of the good.....



I deserve: respect, loyalty, consistency, LOVE, compliments, acknowledgement, acceptance, abundance.......

Intermission is in Recession

Everything is out, and so much misunderstanding with the situation was all that it was. THANK GOD! I couldn't stand the feeling of not knowing the real reason behind the fustration. Especially since my fustration was a whole different senario from his. Im a woman and I have done things that I couldn't account for, let alone know the explanation. I have come to the conclusion that if and when it's time to move on, I will do it knowing that an explanation isn't needed. "what's understood doesn't need to be explained". I guess grasping this concept is confusing at times, but when I'm in total solitude, it's makes a lot of sense.
I've been asking myself questions lately. One of which, What am I looking for? What do I need? What do I want? What I want, Hmmm, Consistency, Love, Security. What I need? Consistency, Love and Security. What I want, simply comes down to Security, Love, and then Consistency.
Everytime I think of these questions and answers to those, I always come back to when was I the happiest and most content with myself? I think I need to resume giving my life to GOD. Yes, I believe in him. I wouldn't be where I am in my life if it weren't for him. But have I been consistent with his purpose? I can honestly say No! So how can I want, need, and know what I'm looking for? Am I being selfish, neglectant, ignorant, arrogant? What I need to do is get back in tune with GOD, and live with him as my #1.