Karma

I never experienced how Karma worked. But wow, it is a something that is crazy. My father who's been in my whole life and not in my brothers' or sisters' lives. He finally got caught, in the child support system, was served a letter this past week indicating he indeed is the father of a 17 1/2 year old. I knew about her since she was born. I always wanted to be around her and my other siblings, but was never allowed to do so.
See, I know her family and so does my fathers' brothers, which would be her uncles. I have came to the conclusion that he is retarded. He is pretty upset at the whole issue and he's looking for someone to blame. Blame? He's grown. I don't understand how people can blame someone else for their mishaps. But I'm to blame. Isn't that some shit???

LonesomeNess.

Is that even a word? After 9 months of being together (in a relationship), that leaves 4 months of semi-loneliness... I've made about 3 trips down to him, he's made one. Can you even consider the last trip a real trip? I know it wasn't, I'd made a visit to the clinic while I was down there this last time, so that doesn't count at all. That would make it 2 trips down to see him. The last time I spent any type of closeness with him, was maybe April. And yes, I'm losing interest. I feel like I'm just here and we are holding on to a title, that really doesn't belong to us.
LonesomesNess...
It's overwhelming at times, but trying to keep my mind off of it is even harder. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm trying to get myself involved as much as I can, it isn't working. Just to go right back to thinking of only him and what's he doing. Our conversation is, just that, is.
LonesomeNess....
I'm tired of telling him, I miss you. And get nothing in return but I know. He's not expressive enough for me, and I try to except it. I need it. I need for him to tell me these things. He's tried, but then goes back to being inexpressive, yet again.

STUPIDITY

People talk about how it is so easy to get back in to school. Right now my nerves are on pins and needles with ignorant ass people. You would figure in order for these Dumb ass colleges to get paid they would hurry up and turn in paperwork to get paid, BUT NO! I am so irritated at this point. Now even if they turn in the paperwork, I will only get half of the fucking money that I needed to be paid. And where is the rest of the money going to come from??? All I can say is I'm getting ready to say FUCK THIS SHIT!!!!!

It didn't happen

So, he cancelled on me for the holiday weekend. Boy was I heated, I didn't bother talking to him until Sunday. He told me that something happened, but he didn't feel like talking about it. In my mind the first thing that came to mind was "BULLSHIT". My holiday weekend was alright, I spent it with my daughter and traveling to families homes. It was basically a weekend that I didn't want to be bothered. I felt like he wasted my time, killed it. I have been very stressed lately and all I wanted to do was get out. Chicago, a place I didn't want to see for a few days and I was there.
When I finally spoke with him, I was still upset and fury was in my voice, I let him here every part of the fury. Holding nothing back, I asked him if he was going to tell me the real reason why he cancelled. He not only cancelled on me but on a few other people as well. Then he laid it on me, a close friend of his was murdered. Murdered?? Ain't that some shit. He said that was his last straw and he couldn't take it anymore. And all I heard was the pain in his voice.
Then I thought, all this time of being selfish and wanting to be with him, I should've went. Alone. I didn't know that it was that bad for him. I told him that I did think it was bullshit, how he said put things to me. That he didn't want me to be down there with him. I really thought it was something else, maybe another woman. You know what can go through a persons' mind, especially mine. I feel bad now, but only for a little while. :)
Why would I think bad about this relationship, another woman? Wow... Has it really been that bad for me? When I say, "I trust him," do I really? Can I trust? That's the real question.

Starting Over

This is going to be the first time I see him after the whole clinic ordeal. How will I feel when I see his face? Will the tramatic experience play back again in my mind? My nightmares have minimized itself. I don't wake up screaming anymore, or questioning my decision, at least not all the time. It's like I'm anxious with butterflies in my stomach. You know that feeling when you go on your first date? Yeah, the feeling that's over whelming me at the moment.
It's like for these past weeks, all I wanted to do was be in his arms telling me things will get better. But the distance is what keeps us apart, damn do I dispise that. Again, how will I feel when I see him? Just scared of the unkown at the moment. This will be our starting over moment, when our paths cross tonight.

Does it seem like I'm wishing for the worst but wishing for the best? I think so. I think it would be much easier for me to deal with things if he wasn't here. But is that what I want????? Funny how things seem.

Wishing for the best.....

Ignorance.

Men often take for granted what our capabilities are. Sometimes I feel Women take Men for granted, although I don't understand this, they do. I've seen this just happen, a woman had a child about 17 1/2 years ago, knew who the father was, where he worked, lived, his family, and everything. She waited, waited, and waited, to make sure the security of her daughter was set? How could she not know how ignorant she is? Selfishness?
Now, how could he, knowing he wasn't in his daughters life, never knowing who she really is, not try to be there? Could the relationship between the two so-called grown ups cause turmoil for all involved? I mean the unknowing would've been destroyed, or maybe even gotten a chance to have grown up around the other. I just don't understand how one as a man, not be there for his child. Should I say, "The well-being of the child should at least be somewhat secured. Have both parents in the life." I beileve the child should be able to make that choice for themselves, and not have the choice made for them.

The child: 17 1/2 years old, pregnant, high school drop out. She lives in the ghetto with her family. If he would've been there, would her life be any different?

God I feel the pain that her child will endure living the life she will bring this child in. Do you blame her for the choices that she has made in her life? Somewhat a Tyrant. Does she deserve more than what was brought into her life? Talk about needing some type of reform! Damn, I can see where this is going. Why would she want this for herself? I know children are blessings, but what if GOD needs to allow her journey to go a little longer. Let her live life. Maybe this is her blessing, a kind of reform, change. I hope it is.

I feel for her, she says, "I can do this by myself. All I need is me and my mom, to help me take care of this baby. I can be on welfare and get SSI checks, and be alright."

Ignorance.

Torn?

Let me start off saying, "I want more than anything for my own happiness." But at what cost? I've came across quite a few different women, of different ethnic backgrounds, but many of them have different morals than me. I've be in this wierd kind of relationship with my daughters father. He's asked me several times to, pretty much, give up whatever relationship's that I have other than him, to be with him. I will put this out there, I have a boyfriend now who is good to me. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 9 months. Ok, now back to a brief history of my daughters' father and I. I began a relationship with him when I turned 15 years old. I thought he was the best thing I've had, but I was a baby. I'd hadn't experenced life yet, so what did I know. I did everything I'd knew for him, I never wanted to leave him. I thought I loved him so much. We had so many different problems, that you would've thought that I would leave him, I didn't. He cheated on me, I believe quite a few times, only two that I know of.

So now, he's been telling me so many different things about, "Baby, I love you with all my heart," and all those different types of Nigga lyrics. I know, I know, yes I said Nigga lyrics. SO knowing how long I've been with him, you can understand why I really am not feeling the bullshit he is trying to write in my story book. His family loves me to death, but what I'm noticing now is that they are looking out for his best interest and not mine.
His mother called upon me to discuss our (her father and I) child support problem, as she says it. See he's not working so I'm the one doing everything, to say the least he comes and goes whenever he feels like it, which I pretty much have control of now. I'm a single mother, in my eyes, I have been since day one. She wants me to sign a contract with her son indicating that I would dismiss his non-working ass, and wait until he gets a job to resume child support. Oh I broke it down for her the most easiest I could. No, she didn't like what I said, but hey I'm in it for mine and she's in it for hers. What I was thinking in my head was "WTF?!?!" The stuff that came out of her mouth is so indescribable. The last thing she said to me was, "I think you guys should get married already."
Married??? OH HELL NAW! You must be sick lady. Does she not know that if her son can't be a man on his own, he most definitely won't withhold that title being with me. What doesn't she get? His family is sweet when they want to be, but my happiness isn't worth making the rest of my life miserable.